Ending a relationship is hard you gave it a try and marriage couldn’t be saved.  Now you find yourself in the position of looking to date again, or live alone for the rest of your life.  You are apprehensive, as well you should be.  The first thought you will probably have is, should you have tried harder to save your marriage. Only you can answer that, but guilt isn’t going to be productive at this point in your life.  What is, is!  It is time to move on.  Or is it?  You need to have done some things, experienced some things, worked on some things, before moving into the new dating phase of your newly found single life.  Ending a relationship is definitely hard.

Have you dealt with your past?  Do you still harbor feelings of anger and resentment about your ex?  Those emotions will come through both in your speech and your mannerisms on dates.  It isn’t attractive to the person sitting on the opposite side of the table from you, to feel the wrath of your negativity.  You will ruin any possibility of a second date, if you bring negative thoughts of your ex with you on your fist date. Whatever you need to do to work through your past, do it before dating.  Come to terms with what has happened.  You don’t have to like it, but you do need to accept it.

Ending a relationship means you will start dating again but how does your family feel about you dating again, especially the children? You don’t need to give in to all the wishes of your children, but certainly they need to understand that you are entering a new chapter in their life. Dating can make children feel that they are cast aside. Even teens and those who are much older, have fairytale thoughts about their parents getting back together. Dating will erase the possibility in their eyes, that you can save your marriage, even after a divorce. Honest communications is the key. They don’t need to know the details, and certainly shouldn’t, but they need to know where you are coming from. Children want to know that they will remain loved and cared for and that there is stability in their life. You may have very little stability in your life, but your ability to make them feel secure will reap benefits in the short and long term.

Have an attitude about dating that is allows you to make choices that are less than perfect. Dating is trial and error. Most don’t get it right the first or tenth time, so be patient. Your goal for dating might be only friendship, or companionship. That is fine as long as you communicate your wants and needs appropriately. You may be looking for someone to share the next and final chapter of your life. That takes time to develop. Don’t rush yourself.

The most important thing you can do to ensure your dating experience, after a divorce, is to know what your needs and wants are that are non-negotiable in a relationship. Once you meet someone, is not the time to decide what you want or expect from someone. Why date someone who has never had children, if you want to date someone who has that experience so they can relate to you? Why date someone who is of a different religion, if that is something for which you have convictions? The tendency after a divorce is to go to an extreme either way.

You want to date, you are lonely, so you date practically anyone to fill a void. Or, you make a list of your wants and don’t wants that is so rigid that no one on earth could fit the criteria. Both, will lead to frustration. Think of dating as a dressing room or as a new pair of shoes. Some things look great on the shelf, but need to be tried on to see if they fit you and your lifestyle. Dates are similar. Some will appear to have the qualities you desire, only to find out after spending time with them, that the initial attraction doesn’t match what fits you and your life. That’s okay. Trial and error, remember?

You have been through heartbreak, your marriage is over. You want to move on in your life and have worked hard to be the person you want to be and now are ready to find someone to share your life with again. Be kind to yourself. Dating isn’t a science ending a relationship is the start of a new beginning. Learn to trust yourself again, which will allow you to trust others. Trusting yourself gives you the ability to seek what you need, to ask for what you need and to accept only that in your life that fits you!